Taking a Break in a Relationship: 7 Healthy Rules

You and your partner may be deeply in love and want a relationship to work, but when things aren’t working for one or both parties, it’s important to stop and reassess the situation. In these cases, taking a relationship break might be the best way to decide if (and how) you’ll move forward together. Taking a break—or taking a time-out from your relationship without actually breaking up—can give you both the space you need to decide what your future should look like. For some couples, this time apart allows them to see that their problems are fixable; for others, one person may realize that they don’t see a future with their partner.

A break most certainly does not mean a breakup, though. In fact, experts agree that taking time apart often helps pairs realize that they want to be together. Many couples decide to reconcile, but it’s essential to lay out guidelines for the break from the beginning, so that you can both move forward with similar expectations. But on the flip side, it’s important to remember that a relationship break doesn’t guarantee a successful outcome (read: a better, stronger partnership), notes Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship strategist. “It is highly dependent on how the people in the relationship approach the break and decide to maturely work on the underlying issues that have led to this particular moment,” she says. “Taking a break away from someone you love and have been in a relationship with can elicit different responses.”

In that sense, you could argue that a relationship break always works—it reveals the go-forward plan, whether you decide to get back together or part ways for good. “Time away from the relationship may reveal that this is the path to continue moving forward and that the issues in the relationship cannot be resolved,” Overstreet affirms. “Or, time away, if the couple goes into the break intentionally, may reveal that the relationship can be worked on and improved.”

If you’re curious about taking a break in a relationship and how to go about it the right way, here are seven of the most important rules to follow, according to several relationship experts.

Make Sure You Both Understand the Purpose of the Relationship Break

Do some soul-searching to explore why you need a break in the first place. Are you feeling like your relationship is lacking excitement? Are you hitting a new stage in your life (moving for work, going to school) that has you thinking you may not work together long-term? The point here is to realize whether your problem is a deal-breaker (like your significant other doesn’t want kids and you do). If that’s the case, there’s no need for a break—it’s time for a break-up. “When taking a timeout, call it for yourself and not for your partner,” says Liz Higgins, a couples therapist. “This decision all comes down to knowing yourself.”

Have an In-Person Conversation About the Relationship Break

Since a break from your relationship involves both partners, the conversation about embarking on one should, too. If at all possible, this conversation should take place in person. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, that might be the only exception. That way, you’ll be able to read body language and signals you usually won’t get over the phone. Plus, seeing someone face to face will confirm whether or not the feelings are still there.

Overstreet’s best tip for having this conversation with your partner? Don’t hold back. “Be open and honest about why you both feel the break is needed. This will help establish the goals and expectations during the break and allow both individuals to go into it with clarity around its purpose,” she says. “It takes courage and vulnerability to say what you need to say—but on the back end, you both will respect one another for putting your cards on the table versus holding back the truth.”

Set Some Ground Rules

Be as clear as possible about the purpose of the break, what you hope to gain from it, and expectations about your time apart. Bring up the reason you’re having the break, how often (or if) you’ll stay in touch, and whether you’ll date other people during this time. Another important thing to consider is how to treat a break if you live together. “If you share things with this person (e.g. a car, a dog), you will not be able to truly ‘take a break’ if you are still half invested because of these things,” says dating and relationship coach Chris Armstrong. “Remove the co-dependencies you have on each other to the greatest extent you can for the duration that you’re on your break.”

Discuss Seeing Other People

Dating other people while you and your current partner are on a relationship break may or may not be off-limits—but this is one key element that you absolutely need to outline before you press pause. “It’s important to have a conversation about whether you will start seeing other people during this break or not,” says Overstreet. “It can help to manage realistic expectations and avoid confusion. If both of you agree to see other people, it’s crucial to establish clear rules and boundaries to protect one another’s emotional well-being.”

Define How Long the Relationship Break Will Last

Some people find it helpful to set a rough timeline for when they’ll schedule a check-in or a time to discuss how each person is feeling about the time apart. You should work together to determine a timeframe for discussion that feels reasonable for each of you, as this will limit any ambiguity or anxiety around your break. “It should be realistic and allow both of you to have enough time for self-reflection and to determine whether your relationship issues can be resolved,” notes Overstreet. “Determining a timeline for the break will ensure it doesn’t go indefinitely and help maintain a sense of direction.”

When that time is up, have an honest conversation about how you’re both feeling and if you have an idea about how you’d like to proceed. All that said, remember that it’s perfectly normal if you’re on different timeframes—the goal is to check in with some established regularity, not make a final decision at the same moment.

Make Your Time Apart Count

While on your break, take time getting to know yourself out of a relationship. You can pick up hobbies you haven’t been doing as frequently, visit with family and friends, and at times allow yourself to feel lonely (often when you’re part of a couple you don’t get to feel this often). “You need to ask yourself if wanting to escape feeling lonely is a sufficient reason to be with anyone—especially if it’s your primary reason for being in a relationship at all,” says Gary Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Also determine whether you feel the problems in your relationship can be fixed by the break, or if it’s best to part ways and move forward alone. Put simply: If you’re happier solo than you were together, it’s likely time to cut ties.

Make an Appointment With a Therapist

“If you feel the break is not helping the relationship or you are unsure how to navigate the situation, consider seeking guidance from a couples therapist or relationship coach,” notes Overstreet. “Make sure you speak with someone who has experience in helping couples navigate through the intricacies you and your partner are trying to figure out. They can provide valuable insights and help you and your partner navigate the challenges that may arise during the break.”