12 Tips to Move On

Having to get over someone you love can feel quite challenging and overwhelming—especially if you were blindsided by a breakup. That’s because, when you care about a person deeply, it can be heart-wrenching (and, frankly, unfathomable) to move past the love you have for that individual. Fortunately, there are proven ways to get over someone you love, so that you can heal and potentially enter a new and healthy relationship in the future.

How? For starters, it’s important to accept the reality of the situation: You and your former love are not meant to be for a specific reason.”When we lose someone we love, it’s common to idealize their character and focus intensely on the positive memories and qualities we miss,” shares marriage and family therapist Brittany Jenkins. “This idealization is a natural part of the grieving process. However, it’s important to actively acknowledge and integrate the more nuanced aspects of the relationship and the person’s personality that we may be overlooking or minimizing. Recognize that not everything about the relationship and the person was perfect.”

Need more advice? Read on for everything you should to know, straight from the experts.

How to Get Over Someone After a Difficult Breakup

Breakups are hard, no matter how long or short you and your partner were together. Here, we highlight 12 expert-approved tips on how to get over someone you love and begin your healing process.

Don’t Contact Your Ex

While you might be inclined to speak to your ex after a breakup, licensed psychotherapist Sarah Chotkowski encourages all individuals to go “no contact” for at least 30 days once the relationship has ended. “You may still love the person you’re breaking up with and want to keep them in your life. This is a totally understandable impulse, and I believe it’s possible to be friends with your ex no matter how much you loved them and no matter how devastating the breakup was—after some time has passed,” she shares. “I encourage all my patients to set some relationship agreements with their ex to have at least 30 days of no contact. This gives your brain time to adjust and shift them into the ‘ex’ category and break the habit of seeing them as your partner in thousands of little ways.”

Rely on Your Support System 

Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or a trained professional for help as you recover from a broken heart. You don’t have to face this difficult love situation alone, and having people in your life who have your best interest at heart can be an integral part of moving on and letting go. Allow yourself to seek out help and be open to receiving it. When you surround yourself with people who have your back and want only the very best for you, you can get out of that funk and recognize that you have a lot to be thankful for. The rewards are twofold as this also helps strengthen those non-romantic relationships.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

When you’re trying to get over someone you love, one of the best steps is to push yourself in different ways and try new activities. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to salsa dance, take a cooking class, or join a kickball league, seize this opportunity to get involved in those new pastimes and even make new friends. Not only are you opening yourself up to having some fun and meeting interesting people, but you’re also proving to yourself that life goes on even after this person is no longer part of it. So, embrace the growing pains and stretch those confining limits you’ve placed upon yourself.

Feel Your Feelings

“It’s often said ‘the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,’ but I propose a twist: that person should be you! Go under your loudest feelings of sadness and longing and dive deeper into your emotional needs and experience,” advises Jenkins. “By doing so, you can emerge from heartbreak stronger, more self-aware, and with a greater sense of self-love.”

Give yourself time to feel your feelings, but do your best to intentionally work towards a place where moving on feels possible. After all, if your end goal is to find a loving, fulfilling romantic relationship, mending your broken heart and being ready to accept love again will be key. Whatever you do, don’t feel rushed. Know that this process takes time and it’s absolutely fine to go at your own pace.

Remember That Your Ex Wasn’t Perfect

As mentioned, it’s important to accept the reality of your past relationship and remember why you and your ex broke up in the first place. “Fear of being alone might even be exaggerating their better qualities and minimizing their faults, so try to remember that they were a person with flaws and there’s a reason the relationship ended. Write them down. Take a picture of your ugly crying face and remember, if they really were the love of your life, you would not have snot all over your face right now,” says Chotkowski. “If you can’t remember their bad qualities, ask your friends and family, they probably have some suggestions they’ve been holding back.”

Be Kind to Yourself

People getting over a breakup often blame themselves for being in this position in the first place—avoid falling into this trap! You should always treat yourself with love, care, and respect, especially during this fragile time. Self-care is of the utmost importance when moving on from a relationship, so do whatever you need to do to heal, as long as it’s positive and results in you loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

If You Didn’t Get Closure, Imagine It

“We don’t always get the closure we deserve—and no amount of chasing someone down and begging them to treat us the way we deserve is going to create this outcome. If your brain is stuck on a feedback loop of ‘I can’t move on until…’ use your imagination to create the breakup scene you never got,” explains Chotkowski. “The one where your former partner takes accountability for the hurt they caused, acknowledges what they did wrong, and then firmly closes the door on the relationship for good. Marinate in this as much as you need to in order to really feel it, do a dramatic reading with your friends or your therapist, ceremonially light it on fire, anything to mark the closing of a chapter so you feel ready to start writing a new one.”

Look Toward the Future

In order to get over someone you love and move past a breakup that seemed to come out of nowhere, it’s imperative that you look forward rather than backward. If you’re mentally replaying every moment and dissecting all of your conversations to see where things went awry, you’re never going to get over this person because you’re still living in the past. However, if you choose to look forward and focus your energy on what lies ahead, then getting over this person will be that much more doable because you’re not constantly dwelling on what previously transpired. Healing takes time, but it also takes space. Allow yourself enough distance from the past to grow into this new chapter of your life.

Take a Break from Social Media

How often do you look at this person’s social media posts? If you truly want to get over them, it’s time to stop checking their account. After all, if you’re still consumed by what this person is up to and what they do each day, you’re making it that much harder to move on and find someone new. In order to get this person off your mind, it’s essential that they’re off your screen.

Clear Out the Physical Reminders

A necessary step in moving on is removing the lingering reminders that still surround you. If there are still pictures of your ex in your apartment or your room is full of knickknacks and random items from them, they still maintain a presence in your life. When you’re ready to finally get over them, clean up and clear out your personal space to make room for special mementos and memories with someone new.

Reward Yourself for Progress

“Moving on from a breakup involves lots of little hard steps. The first time you hear the barista call their name in a coffee shop and don’t burst into tears, the first time you think ‘I should text them’ and you text your best friend instead, the time you say, ‘so and so never wanted to go hiking with me, darn it, I’m going hiking!’ It’s hard to break old habits and create new routines, especially when you’re heartbroken and you have less emotional energy than normal,” explains Chotkowski. “Is there a reward you can work towards that would make these increments of change more meaningful? Like: ‘If I make it 10 days without crying at work I’ll get hair extensions?’ or ‘I’m going to put $25.00 in a savings account every time I’m tempted to text them and don’t—and in three months I’m going to take that money and go on a weekend trip with my friends.'”

Identify What’s Actually Making You Sad

According to Jenkins, “Being honest about what we genuinely miss makes it simpler to figure out how to move forward. For instance, perhaps you miss their spontaneity, which brought out your hopeful side. Or maybe you miss how they excelled in acts of service, which made you feel profoundly supported. Identifying the key elements of the relationship that impacted you allows you to seek fulfillment elsewhere.”

She further adds, “You might pursue more spontaneous last-minute plans or join social groups that engage in novel activities to meet those needs. Maybe you miss the intellectual stimulation and deep conversations you used to have with them. To fill that void, you might join a book club or join in discussion groups on topics that interest you to foster connections with like-minded individuals who enjoy engaging in stimulating discussions. Although the person themselves cannot be replaced, the value of their connection can be fulfilled in other ways if you are intentional about having those things in your life. And of course, if you found it once, you can find it again, so allow yourself to stay hopeful.”

How to Get Over Someone You Didn’t Date

Are you currently struggling to get over someone you never technically dated? If so, you’re not alone, as it’s not uncommon to be emotionally entangled with a person you were never dating. Luckily, it is possible to move on from this scenario, though it can be as challenging as getting over a difficult breakup, explains Jenkins. “Without the experience of actually dating the person, our minds tend to wander into endless scenarios of ‘what ifs and ‘why nots.’ Moreover, the absence of real dating experience can fuel the creation of fantasies, where we idealize both the person and the potential relationship,” she explains.

So how does one heal from a situation like this? “It’s important to prioritize self-acceptance and self-love. What aspects of your life are you avoiding that need your attention and care? Seeking guidance from a professional can help you navigate and address these realizations,” advises Jenkins. “The more you value yourself and attend to your own needs, the more open you’ll be to forming connections with someone who appreciates you in return. Furthermore, cultivating stronger social support and friendships can reduce the temptation to dwell on unrequited love.”