Absent parents come in many forms. The most common form is those who are not physically present with us. These absent parents are busy at work, busy with friends, or simply not interested in spending time with their children. The other form of absent parents is found in emotionally absent parents.
Emotionally absent parents are those who are not emotionally available for their children. Instead of being a source of support, guidance, and help, they are withdrawn and distant from their children. Whether we grow up with physically or emotionally absent parents, we will face pain, hardship, and grief. If you are dealing with the pain of absent parents today, know you are not alone.
Relating to Your Pain
Similar to many people, my parents were emotionally absent in my life as well as physically absent on occasion. Rather than wanting to spend time with me, they would rather spend time with my older sisters or working on something that interested them. As one can imagine, with time, I started feeling like a burden for being alive. Nobody wanted me and nobody wanted to spend time with me.
My pain has evolved into many forms throughout my life. One of the main ways I saw it manifest was in the form of self-hate. Due to developing self-hate, I have struggled with thoughts of ending my life, depression, and an eating disorder. I have often wondered where I would be now if my parents had chosen to just love me instead of making me feel like a mistake.
If you are reading this article, you are probably in the same boat I am in. We wanted our parents to be present, loving, and caring in our lives, yet they were not. With their own free choices, they chose to separate themselves from us. In other words, they chose themselves over us.
Our parents might try their best, but it doesn’t mean we were not hurt in the process. It can hurt even more when we come to the realization that many of our parents never even tried. A simple apology, such as “I’m sorry for inflicting so much pain on you. How can I make it right?” would have gone a long way in my heart. Maybe it would have gone a long way in your heart too.
Sadly, many of our parents pass on before we are given this apology, and sometimes our parents never even think of giving us this apology. The situation varies for the individual; however, a genuine apology makes a world of difference. Many children who have absent parents never receive an apology, but that does not mean we can hold onto a heart of unforgiveness. Instead, we must extend the same grace and mercy God has extended to us.
The Choice of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice we have to make ourselves. The Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). As this passage tells us, we have to forgive each other—and this includes our parents. Forgiveness does not mean what they did is okay or forgotten. Rather, it means that we are giving the pain over to the Lord and choosing to extend love instead of hate.
Holding onto unforgiveness will only hurt us. It is rare when an absent parent feels guilty over their child holding unforgiveness toward them. Normally, it is only the child who experiences the pain of bitterness. Choose to release yourself from this pain by forgiving your absent parent.
There again, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive your parents without wanting to be reconciled to them. Forgiveness is required by the Lord; however, reconciliation is not. Find comfort and reassurance in this fact.
God doesn’t call us to go back into toxic family relationships. Instead, He calls us out of them and will help us know that our family goes beyond flesh and blood.
As believers, we are part of the body of Christ. We are God’s children and dearly loved (1 John 3:1). Since we are God’s children, we can rest in the reality that we have a Father who will always love us, care about us, and be there for us. God will give us everything we need to feel loved. The ultimate form of His love has been shown to us through His Son’s sacrifice on the cross (John 3:16).
Allowing God to Heal Your Pain
Due to God’s great love for us, we do not have to be consumed (Lamentations 3:23-24). We do not have to be consumed by our pain, worries, or past. There is suffering that accompanies the pain of absent parents, yet we can find healing in God. If we turn away from Him, we will be consumed by all the hurt and pain; however, when we turn to God, He heals our pain. We might think God doesn’t understand our pain, but He understands more than we know.
Absent parents hurt us, say mean things about us, and do not protect us. The Lord knows what it feels like to be hurt and insulted (1 Peter 2:23). He knows what it feels like to be rejected and unwanted (1 Samuel 8:7). Never believe the lie that you are alone in your pain. Jesus sees your pain and He completely knows how you feel. Allow His love to surround you today.
As we allow Jesus to heal our pain, we might start reflecting on the past. Reflecting on the past can cause us to have a wave of emotions. Sometimes this can be happy emotions and other times it can be sad emotions. Although our parents were absent, we probably have a few happy memories of them too.
These happy memories are just as painful because they showed us a glimpse of what could have been if our parents had chosen to be present. Similar to you, I have many happy memories of my parents, and I wish these were the only memories I had. I would trade in all of the painful memories for just a few of these happy memories. Unfortunately, we cannot heal from the truth without accepting the bad times and the good times.
The truth of the matter is that our parents were absent and this negatively impacted our lives. We cannot change them any more than we could change the situation we were born into. Maybe only pain came from our absent parents, but we have to remember that our pain is not useless suffering. There is growth and power in pain.
Through pain, we grow closer to God. In the absence of my own parents, I have grown closer to God than ever before. Ever since I found comfort in knowing God is my Heavenly Father, I have been going to Him multiple times a day in prayer, and I have become more trusting of Him. While some people would say my pain was for nothing, it has actually brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.
Allow God to turn this negative thing into something beautiful. Rely on God and trust Him rather than your parents. Surround yourself with brothers and sisters in Christ who will point you back to our good, good Father. May God be glorified in everything we do, and may His comfort bring our hearts peace.
Trust Him with your healing process and believe Him when He says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5b). Our parents have abandoned us, but God never will.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Mindful Media
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