If you’d asked anyone, from church family to strangers on the street, they would’ve told you that, from the outside looking in, my relationship with my mom was perfect. Nobody had ever seen a closer mother and daughter.
That’s why it was a shock to everyone—including her—when I chose to “break up” with her when I was 26.
A whopping one-quarter of adult children are cutting ties with their parents today. Contrary to what some may think, cutting out your parents isn’t an act of selfishness or cruelty—it’s often a last resort. Going “no contact” with my mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life because I love her and want her in my life.
So, why are so many people dumping their parents, and how can you restore your relationship with your adult child?
Step 1: Listen
If you put on your Sherlock Holmes detective cap and are honest with yourself, you’ve probably heard your child voice complaints about the relationship long before now.
Your child telling you how they feel and what problems they perceive in the relationship isn’t disrespectful or disobedient; it’s actually scriptural and holy. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately…”
Your child is not just your child; they are children of God and your brothers and sisters in Christ. It’s not only okay for them to bring up these things, but it’s necessary. Confrontation, as uncomfortable as it may be, is the first step toward reconciliation.
Your task, then, is to listen.
Not defend yourself. Not bring up instances they’ve hurt you. Not remind them how much you’ve done for them or sacrificed. Not to challenge their recollection of events.
Just listen.
What you hear may be difficult to swallow. It may even feel like an attack. Your instinct may be to go into self-defense mode. Instead, take instruction from James 1:19 and be “Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
Say something like, “I know you are not happy with our relationship. I am trying to understand why. Can you share how you feel with me? I will just listen; I will not say anything.”
Then let them talk.
If you feel overwhelmed, just let them know you need a break or to end the conversation there so you can process what they’ve said. Taking space will be crucial throughout this process.
Step 2: Validate
Here’s the thing: You don’t have to agree with what your child is saying.
My mom did not agree with much of what I said or felt at first. Our versions of events were totally different. At first, she was extremely hurt and angry by what I told her. We argued a lot.
As a parent, you never dream of hurting your kid. But denying what I felt didn’t make the pain go away. It just made it hurt more.
Even if you don’t agree with the source of the pain, you can’t deny the pain exists.
“One of the deepest of all the human hungers is the need to be understood, cherished and honored.” – Robin S. Sharma
Validation is so crucial to healing. Your child can’t move on to any other steps of mending the relationship without it. They need to know that you get what they’re saying, or at the very least, that you’re trying to get it.
Let’s say your adult child says that they feel you didn’t give them enough attention as a kid, or that you’re too critical of them. You don’t have to argue it. You don’t have to deny it. You don’t have to remind them of all the other good things you did as a parent or the reasons you think they’re wrong.
Your task is to accept that they feel this way. “I understand you feel like you didn’t get enough attention.” “I hear you.” “That sounds like it was hard.”
You can even lead with curiosity and ask, “Can you share an example of a time when you felt I…?” Then listen and validate some more.
The beginning stages of repair for my mom and me were a lot of very tense conversations like this spread out over time. It’s not easy or fast. It’s a slow, sometimes maddening process. But that is where your unconditional love for your child kicks in. “Love is patient, love is kind…” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Step 3: Communicate
Now that you’ve listened and validated, it’s time to communicate.
Communication doesn’t mean talking and hearing. The goal of communication is understanding.
After listening to what your child has to say and validating it, you’ll likely have some things you want to get off your chest, too. Since your goal is understanding—and as a result, connection – what you say (and how you say it) matters.
The Gottman Method is a type of marriage and family counseling methodology that is trusted by therapists and psychologists around the world. Here are some communication tips from the Gottman Institute to get you started.
This way of communicating takes a lot of learning and practice, especially if you were never taught emotionally healthy ways to express yourself growing up. My mom and I certainly didn’t know any of this stuff beforehand, and it’s taken a long time to develop the “emotional muscles” for it.
If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a step back. You are allowed to feel angry, anxious, and anything else you feel. The point is to communicate in helpful ways that draw you closer together instead of pushing you further apart.
Step 4: Set Boundaries
When I began setting boundaries with my mom, it made her feel incredibly angry and hurt. She didn’t understand how I could do such a thing. To her, it felt rude, disrespectful, and cruel.
But boundaries are not there to hurt anyone or insult anyone; they are there to ensure safety, respect, and trust in the relationship.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphill
If you’re not familiar, a boundary is an emotional or physical line you draw in a relationship. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean telling the other person what to do. A healthy boundary is about what you will or won’t do—not the other person.
A boundary your child may make could be something like, “Please do not feed the children candy when they come over, or I will have to stop letting them visit.”
Notice it is a declaration (this is what’s happening and how it makes me feel) and a consequence (if you continue to do X, Y, or Z).
Even if you don’t agree with your child’s boundaries, it’s your duty to respect them by upholding them.
And your child is not the only one who should be setting boundaries! It’s a good practice for you to learn as well. By implementing your own boundaries and respecting your child’s, you’ll strengthen your relationship with them and, as a bonus, your self-esteem!
These boundaries will be the new “rules of engagement” for your relationship and provide “bumpers” for your interactions. You can always add a new boundary or change up an old one. Just make sure you’re communicating those wishes openly.
Step 5: Keep Learning
Now that you’ve listened, validated, communicated, kept, and set some solid boundaries with your adult child, the next step—and lifelong commitment—is to continue learning.
You should be endeavoring to learn more about boundary-setting, emotional health, communication, and anything specific that may come up in your relationship with your child.
For example, if your child has shared with you that they were diagnosed with ADHD, you should be taking time to independently learn about ADHD. I stress “independently,” because the time, energy, and investment is yours to make and demonstrate your level of commitment and compassion to understanding your child.
Asking your child for their favorite learning resources on the topic, however, can be a great source of bonding and conversation. Through discussing what I’m learning, my mom can enter into my “world” with me, and that makes our time together more fulfilling and rich.
Likewise, if you find something that you feel could help your child understand you better, feel free to share it with them. It always delights me when my mom shares with me things that are personally meaningful to her because I want to know her as a person, not just my mom.
Step 6: Show Love
Of course, you love your child—that’s the whole reason you’re here! But it can be challenging when you and your child have very different ideas of what love looks like.
Growing up, my mom’s way of showing me love was buying me gifts or doing things for me. Despite this, I felt so incredibly unloved, in part, because what I really wanted from her was more of her. More of her time and attention. I didn’t care about new toys or games.
When you have opposing love languages like my mom and I do, neither of you gets what you need, and both of you end up feeling frustrated and unloved.
But thankfully, there’s a solution: developing ways to show your adult child you love them in ways they can receive, not the ways you prefer.
Don’t know your child’s love language? Well, you can always ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved?” or “What do I do that makes you feel most loved?”
You can also figure out your love language (the quiz here is free) and share examples with your child of how you’d feel most loved by them.
This last step, like all the others, is a lifelong process and a literal labor of love! As your relationship slowly (and painstakingly) mends, you will find so many new ways to enjoy each other and work through whatever challenges you may face.
Remember, God is in the business of mending broken things, and his specialty is reconciliation. If he can do it for me and my mom—a “break up” that nearly destroyed us both—I have no doubt he can do it for you and your child as well. Just be sure not to skip any steps. 😉
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes
Jeryn Cambrah is a multiply neurodivergent writer, advocate, entrepreneur, and parent (to one human and two fur babies). Learn more about Jeryn at jeryncambrah.com.
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