This past year, my husband and I have had a theme in our movie watching, senior living, and we’re not talking about high school seniors. As a hospice chaplain, he visits many seniors in their homes, assisted living facilities, skilled nursing facilities, long-term care facilities, and a variety of healthcare communities.
Surprisingly, there are more movies on this topic than I would have ever expected. Beside some of the silly, raunchy, somewhat absurd films, which we skip entirely, there are some very thoughtful, heartwarming, and inspiring movies where senior citizens are seen as the strong, intelligent, resourceful, and caring individuals found in life.
During our film quest, we also stumbled upon an insightful, thoughtful, compassionate, and entertaining miniseries, Netflix’s “The Inside Man.” Skeptical at first because we’re not Ted Danson fans, we found ourselves binge-watching it on the weekend, wanting to see more.
Still, many of the films sadly and tragically reveal what is taking place in the real world, with some adult children hijacking their parents’ futures to accommodate their own lifestyles, more concerned with their own convenience, comfort, goals, plans, and, yes, even inheritances, lacking sensitivity and overlooking the real well-being of their parents.
A Little Consideration, Please
In life, we’re wise to keep Ephesians 6:2-3 at the forefront of our considerations: “’Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Although adult children may seem well-meaning in presenting their plan to their parents as only looking out for their welfare, if their parents are truly their priority, they will consider more how they can help facilitate and maintain their parents’ friendships and comforts throughout their senior years rather than fit them into what works best with their own plans and schedules.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages
Adult Children Pressuring Family
Recently, some dear former neighbor friends wrote in their Christmas letter how their adult children had “the talk” with them, pressuring them to either move from their private home into a retirement community or a thousand miles away near their daughter. It didn’t sit well with me to hear of their adult children giving them an ultimatum of sorts.
Our friends are ministry leaders who, at times, served in high-profile positions, serving fellow believers in Jesus Christ around the world, risking their lives at times to encourage, help, support, and protect them.
Sadly and reluctantly, our friends gave in to their demands and moved near their daughter, but hearing it deeply saddened me to realize that their adult children had not taken into consideration their preference as a viable choice for their lives and had pressured their parents to leave the life they loved and enjoyed.
Certainly, if parents become incapacitated, family members are needed to assist, taking into consideration their known preferences as much as possible. But, when parents are managing on their own, suggestions for their future need to be by invitation only.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Niedring/Drentwett
Adult Children Overstepping
Even though, as a hospice chaplain, my husband is ministering to and counseling people in these situations, he noted how my emotions concerning this topic go much deeper, stemming from what occurred with my mother’s living situation after my dad passed away.
My parents were renting a lovely duplex in a small Ohio town where they had lived for decades; in the other half of the duplex lived my mom’s nearest and dearest widow friend.
When my dad passed away, we lived in Florida at the time, so in trying to help Mom stay in her own home, we hired local family members and other trusted individuals on her behalf to stay with her, as she was experiencing some dementia and needed a constant companion.
Sadly, though, her best friend’s children, who owned the duplex where she was living, decided that my mom was relying too much on their mom’s friendship, so they gave her a notice to vacate the duplex.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes
Adult Children Interfering Brings Stress
This was beyond sad for me, as I knew how much this friendship meant to my mom. Yes, she relied on her friend, but her friend relied on her, too.
What her adult children were forgetting was how for many years, while my father was still alive, they relied on my dad, who served and cared for their mom in countless ways, helping her with practical needs, cooking meals for her, assisting her around the house, and more. He was there for her, just as he was for my mom.
It was more than disappointing and heartbreaking for her friend’s adult children to force my mom to move out of her home, seeming beyond cold, callous, and heartless, especially knowing that my mom had just lost her husband, who was also her full-time caregiver.
My dad would have been heartbroken at how their dear friend’s children treated my mom at a time when she really needed the comfort, familiarity, and stability of her home, along with their mom’s friendship. In addition to dementia, uprooting my mom led to additional sorrow, disorientation, and confusion for her.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages Pablo K
Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do
Adult children don’t fully understand what they are doing in these situations because, first of all, they haven’t experienced the life their parents are currently living. They lack the wisdom to understand that most parents are still quite capable of making their own decision, even later in life.
Sadly, over the decades, there has been a shift in our culture where many parents feel like they have to do everything their children want them to do, even over their own needs, or their children will reject them. So, out of fear of their adult children turning their backs on them and withholding their love, they cave into their demands.
As well, many adult children believe it’s their right to decide where and how their parents live out the rest of their lives. But it isn’t so, because God gives parents the freedom to choose their own futures.
Often, adult children are making decisions for their older parents out of fear of what it will cost them and for their own convenience. Although it is challenging to live thousands of miles away from parents, especially when working full-time and having a family of their own when they need help, it doesn’t mean parents are obliged and have to do what is most convenient for their grown children.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/The Good Brigade
5 Ways for Adult Children to Resist Overstepping
1. Resist coming in like a bulldozer. Whatever you do, resist coming in like a bulldozer, crushing your parents’ dreams and hopes for their future.
Consider what Proverbs 13:12 explains: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
2. Resist telling your parents what to do. Instead of coming to your parents with your plans, ask your parents about their plans for the future. Resist telling them what you think and, instead, listen to what they have in mind, what brings them joy, and how they see themselves living out the rest of their lives.
3. Resist thinking you know more than they do. Your parents may have wisdom that you haven’t developed yet. Job 12:12 states, “Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?”
Respect and recognize that your parents know themselves and their limitations better than you do, understanding that there are people of all ages who deal with health and mobility issues, so their ages should not be a criterion for interfering with their living situations.
4. Resist usurping God’s place in your parents’ lives. Adult children, out of a godly respect and honor for parents and for God, resist making your life and goals more important than the lives your parents are living.
Trust God to lead your parents in knowing if they need to make a change in their living arrangement. Show love and care for them by letting them decide where they want to live. As Job 32:8 explains, “But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding.”
Resist thinking you know better than your parents what is best for them. God hasn’t put you in authority over your parents’ lives, so it’s not up to you to make decisions for them when they are still able to make choices for themselves.
5. Resist overriding your parents’ decisions. Don’t pressure senior parents to move away from their own homes to retirement communities or near you so it’s more convenient for your schedule.
Remember, your parents have made it this far in life on their own, “For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life” (Proverbs 9:11).
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/HeroImages
Originally published Thursday, 27 February 2025.
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