It seems like just yesterday I found myself gliding down the aisle in early July. Smiles beamed from ear to ear on the faces of those surrounding us, and the pitter-patter of my heart escalated steadily. As the sun pierced through the threatening storm clouds, it was the most magical day. If I had a choice, I would re-live it over and over again.
Now that I’ve been married for a little over a year and a half, the magical bliss of that wedding day has faded. I’ve struggled to see the beauty in every part of marriage but never regretted marrying the one whom the Lord provided for me to love.
In sickness and health, triumph and tragedy, here are three lessons I’ve learned since getting married:
1. What Love Really Is
If most of us were to describe love, I’m doubtful it would match the definition in the Bible. We say we love God, but we also say we love granola, hiking, and watching shows on Netflix. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is not only patient and kind, but that it endures and hopes in all things. When the romance fades, the true measure of love is tested. This kind of love must exceed any temporary or mushy-gushy fashion we often see love described as.
Scripture defines biblical love for us in 1 John 4:7-21. Here, we see that God Himself is love:
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”
While it’s a lengthy passage, this Scripture helps us understand that love embodies specific characteristics: It’s true, steadfast, and biblical love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast. It is not proud or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It’s not irritable. Or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
Biblical love comes from God. Without God’s love for us, we would be incapable of loving one another. And how do we best represent this love to a broken and hurting world?
1. Recogne God’s sacrifice for us in love.
2. Love one another (and not hate).
3. Be willing to give ourselves for one another in love.
John Piper says these powerful words about love reflected in marriage: “The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God.” I think he has a point. Marriage exists so that others will see Christ Jesus in our relationships with one another. Learning to recognize that God’s death for us was done in love changes our perspective when it comes to loving our spouses.
We quickly learn that biblical love is not just the opposite of hate, but being willing to give ourselves for one another because of that love. 1 John 3:16 says it this way: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1 John 3:16, NIV). While this can be hard to do in marriage, it’s the way Christ should compel each of us to love.
Contrary to popular belief, love isn’t warm and fuzzy feelings (though it occasionally can be). Love is agape—self-sacrificial (1 John 3:16-20), all-encompassing, unconditional, forgiving seven times seventy (Matthew 18:21-35). It’s a love that is cultivated over time (Galatians 5:22-23).
2. Catch the “Little Foxes”
Before I got married, people told me the things I found cute in dating I’d eventually find annoying in marriage. They would be right. My husband’s need to take his time is no longer an adored, thoughtful consideration, but a painful process where I often need to be more patient! But I’ve learned, the small things shouldn’t get in the way of our marriage.
Ben and I participated in pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling. In a particular pre-engagement session, our mentors had us read and study Song of Songs. Chapter 2, verse 15 has never left me: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (NIV).
It sounds odd, but every marriage will encounter “little foxes.” Potential problems and hardships are normal when blending two sinners’ lives into one. What matters is how we respond.
These foxes are “little” because they aren’t a big deal at first. They don’t seem of value or significance. Over time, however, they become like a rotten potato in a bag. The small spoil ruins the entire thing.
Catching the “little foxes,” requires us to work through the little things. This doesn’t mean we should avoid or overlook them, but should take time to work through them—no matter how small they might be. Sometimes that might mean agreeing to disagree; other times, it might mean having a calm discussion where you listen to each other. It’s important to take preventative measures to protect your marriage from anything that could harm it. Even and especially the “little foxes.”
While I’m certainly not an expert on marriage, and I won’t pretend to be, it’s my prayer that these two lessons will help you in your own. What’s one thing you’ve learned since getting married? Can you relate to either of these lessons?
Here are 3 practical tips for implementing these lessons into your marriage:
1. Try to go an entire day without complaining to or about your spouse. If something is bothering you, make time to talk to your spouse about it (and not other people). Remember, involving friends and family through gossip isn’t usually the best way to diffuse conflict.
2. If you and your spouse get into a disagreement, take time to process and journal. Ask your spouse if you can pray together and go over the situation calmly. Then, create a plan of action to hear one another and work out action steps for next time.
3. Identify the “little foxes” in your marriage and make a goal to work through them with your spouse this week!
Agape, Amber
Photo Credit: ©Sokol Laliçi/Pexels
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